Ajitananda, my friend

I just read in the Sampradaya Sun that an old friend from California, Ajitananda prabhu, has left this world. Ajitananda did not come across as a complicated person but was always nice. That's not to say that he didn't have his share of problems. Who doesn't?

Ajitananda was a very sincere personality. Not one to stand out in the crowd, or to impress others, he was sweet and simple. We first met in Los Angeles in the 70's. I really don't remember him well from those days. Then we met again in India, about 10 years ago. He had gone there with his wife and only daughter. They were always rather poor, just getting by. Somehow they got the money to spend some time in Vrindavan. Ajitananda loved the holy dham. When his wife and daughter felt it was time to return to L.A., Ajitananda opted to stay. He rented an apartment across from mine. We would run into each other there. He was excited about painting the qualities of Srimati Radharani on a large pink plywood board. When he completed it, he convinced the head pujari at Krishna Balaram Mandir to hang the signboard just to the side of Sri Sri Radha Syamasundara's altar. It listed all of Radhika's qualities. He was very pleased with it. And i believe Radharani was pleased with him.

We never had much to talk about with each other, but Ajitananda would always say something to me both simple and transcendental whenever we met. The last time i saw him was 3 years ago, in Berkeley, California. He was living in a room in a devotee's house. He had separated from his wife. He didn't seem happy, but he didn't complain either. I had heard he had a substance abuse problem, but neither of us mentioned it. Instead, he talked about Srila Prabhupada, how wonderful his qualities were. I listened to him as he told me about a book he was writing describing Prabhupada's 26 qualities as a pure devotee.

He published that book, and the article in the Sun mentioned that he had just completed a 4 part video based on the book. Ajitananda completed the videos just 6 weeks before he died, last week, during Kartik. Although we were not close, i feel sad to think that i will not see him again in this life.

Prabhupada collected many jewel-like souls. They were covered with dust or dirt, but they were jewels underneath, shining with faith and love. Ajitananda is one of them. Ajitananda prabhu ki jai! Srila Prabhupada ki jai!

p.s. the video can be found on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-c5hnc7BcU

And the Answer Is.....

My last post has solicited several comments, as predicted by a good friend. Most devotees have an opinion on this issue of how and why we came to this material world. Some suggested i could find the answer in Jaiva Dharma. They gave me specific chapters to read. Others gave me papers written by other devotees, quoting Prabhupada or scriptures to support the authors' own preconceived conclusions. There are also dialogues posted on the internet between devotees on this subject. Some are funny, like one devotee who complained: If we are Brahman here to experience suffering as one of the Lord's lilas, why didn't the Lord give us Bliss first?! Another said: If there is NO reason why we came here (as one devotee argued), this is asura vada, a demonic argument, similar to what the material scientists say about the laws of the universe.

Even after reading the relevant chapters in Jaiva Dharma and following the arguments of papers and internet dialogues, i still don't have an answer to my question. One thing that is interesting is that everyone else seems to (have an answer). But from reflecting, reading and replying to some of the devotees' comments, i am not sure anyone except the rare pure devotees really know the answer, and even they are not explicit. I do, however, have a few clues. First, above all, Krishna's role in this affair (of our coming to the material world) must be completely benevolent. Why? Because that's one thing that ALL the mahabhagavatas say.

For example, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Thakur said: "Everything about the Lord is merciful. Whatever He does is for the good of all living entities. Those conditioned souls who consider interference in their sense gratification inauspicious or as example of the Lord's cruelty, understand only one move of the chess game. They do not know what will happen four or five moves later." (translated from Bengali in Amrta Vani)

Sarvabhauma Bhattacarya wrote: "An atomic particle of the mercy of Mother Saci's son is able to purify and deliver the three worlds." (Sri Saci tanayastakam)

Locan das Thakur sang: " At the boat pier of my beloved Lord Gauranga, the ferry is taking everyone-- including the gross ones, the blind and the disturbed ones-- across the material ocean for free." (Ke jabi ke jabi bhai?)

Bhaktivinode Thakur sang: "To deliver you, Sri Krishna Caitanya has appeared in Navadwip. He has already taken so many miserable souls like you out of this material world." (Emona durmati)

So how could the all merciful Lord, who delivers everyone in Kali yuga as Gauranga Mahaprabhu, ever be unkind or sadistic towards the living beings? If He is famous as the deliverer of fallen souls, how could He have been cruel to these same souls by causing their suffering? While nothing is impossible for the Lord, one thing is clear: He always acts with Love towards his parts and parcels. Sometimes this Love takes the form of a blessing or a gift, and sometimes it takes the form of a curse or a lesson. But behind everything He does is Love. That is what the mahajans tell us.

The other clue i have is that i need to accept responsibility for being here, for being covered, for being weak and for being rebellious. If i insist that i am a passive victim of events outside of my experience, then i deny my individuality. Then i am no different than a stone. But I experience emotion, feelings, attraction and repulsion. I am a knower; therefore i must be a person. I may not like my circumstances, but as a person, i must accept that i somehow create my own enjoyment and suffering. This is a hard pill to swallow. But if i am to develop the motivation to surrender, i cannot be a victim. I must accept my free will, which gives me a chance to surrender. In other words, if i screwed up by falsely claiming independence from God, i have a chance, with the help of Srila Prabhupada, the all merciful previous acaryas and the most merciful sara avataras, Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu and Nityananda Prabhu, to become whole (and holy) again.

One of my favorite verses from scripture, one that i hope to eventually follow:

tat te 'nukampam su samiksamano, bhunjana evatma krtam vipakam
hrd vag vapurbhir vidadhan namas te, jiveta yo mukti pade sa daya bhak

"My dear Lord, one who sincerely waits for Your causeless mercy, while patiently suffering the reactions of his past misdeeds, and offering You his respectful obeisances with his heart, words and body, is surely eligible for liberation, as it becomes his rightful claim." SB 10.14.8

The Original "Why?"

This morning, reading the 7th Chapter of Bhagavad gita, which usually gives me some transcendental pleasure, a question that had previously come up for me reappeared. Why did we, the marginal energy of the Lord, make the wrong choice to come to this material world? Why, if we are superior energy, did we not choose to remain under the protection of the internal energy, rather than be covered by the inferior energy? Now the obvious answer i know: as part & parcel of Parambrahman, we have a spark of free will. Free will is intrinsic to our nature as jivas. So we were given a choice, and we chose to enter the material world to compete with Krishna, to act as false enjoyers and lords. But that begs the question: how could we have made that choice when anyone in knowledge would never have made it, knowing that the consequences would be endless suffering here in this material world?

It does not seem possible to me that we, as jivas, were in knowledge when we made this basic choice. That would imply that we were covered by ignorance from our very beginning. The Sanskrit term, nitya bandha, implies the same: eternally conditioned. So then the question comes back to Krishna. Why, as the all merciful (karuna sindu) friend of the fallen (dina bandhu) would the Supreme Lord cover his own children, his parts and parcels, by ignorance, from what appears to be their very beginning, knowing they would then make the wrong choice?

So, this is my question. If i were deeply sincere, like Adwaita Acarya when he could not understand one verse in the Gita, i would fast until Krishna kindly revealed some answer or gave me an insight to clear up this doubt. Since i am an insincere rascal, such austerity and determination are not possible for me.

I know that this question is related to the controversy over where the jiva actually comes from. I don't buy the official "BBT" version that the jiva was with Krishna in the spiritual world in his original swarup and then fell down. No one falls down from Goloka. I also know that Srila Prabhupada spoke and wrote various different perspectives on this subject, but he stressed that it is not important to know how we got here, but absolutely necessary to know how to get out. Still, our philosophy should be able to clearly explain the ontology of the jiva. How and why did we make this terrible choice to enter samsara?

Ironically, it may only be after we are well on our way out that we'll understand the answer.

Running Out of Time

I just read an article in the Wall Street Journal (as mainstream as media gets) about peak oil. The gist of the piece is that the world is not really running out of oil, but it's running out of capacity to produce more of it. As it gets more expensive to extract oil, the world keeps consuming more and more of it. So sometime soon, according to the CEOs of giant oil companies, a production plateau will be reached while consumption keeps rising. In other words, a major energy crisis is around the corner. Gone will be the days when we can fly to India whenever we want. Being in one place will become more of a necessity than a choice. Even basic things like heating and food supply may radically change.

The world is also running out of balanced weather. While it's been good to Al Gore (he won half the Nobel Peace Prize this year for his film about it), global warming will not be good for mother earth. Severe weather, floods and droughts are expected to increase. And it's not just a result of carbon emissions from machinery and transportation that accounts for it. The methane produced by the billions of domestic animals raised to slaughter each year, i've been told, produces more carbon gases than automobile exhausts do. (All those cows, pigs and chickens eat a lot and pee, shit and fart a lot before they are killed.) So the culture of animal slaughter that has now become globalized, has helped create the climate crisis. That connection between global warming and animal concentration camps is something Al Gore should think about.

The dollar is so weak now, one British pound costs more than $2.20 in dollars. It's around $1.50 for a Euro. The President of Iran wants to stop pegging oil to the dollar, which he called "a useless piece of paper." For the first time that i remember, the Canadian dollar is worth more than a buck. In India, the dollar is below 40 rupees, an exchange rate that is the lowest since the rupee was deregulated. If your money is in dollars, as mine is, you're running out of money.

But the most important problem facing the world today is the same one that has faced the planet since time immemorial. We're running out of time. "Time I am, destroyer of all worlds," says Bhagavan Sri Krishna in the Gita. This simple paradigm means that even if we can fix our self-created global energy, climate, money problems, we cannot fix the God-created time problem. This daivi prakriti, divine energy, is impossible to overcome, Krishna tells us, unless we do something more radical than fixing another material problem with external adjustments. We need to accept that He is the real essence behind everything, including our lives and our consciousness. Moving towards Him, we need to stop trying to run away from time. No one can get away from time and no one can keep time. The nine processes of bhakti, focused on hearing and chanting, are the only ways to let go of time, oil, money and hold on to sanity. It may be difficult, but it's the only sane solution.

The Day the Sun Went Out

Thirty years ago today was the day the world lost its sun. Sure, according to the scriptures, there are always pure devotees on the earth. And sure, there are hundreds of thousands more devotees in the world now than there were 30 years ago. But for me, that was the day when intelligence, common sense, joy, gracefulness, effulgence and humility left the world. That was the day when many imitation suns rose in the sky of Iskcon. And the day that darkness prevailed.
guru mukha padma-vakya, cittete koriya aikya, ar na koriho asa.
The words of the guru need to be focused in the heart, allowing no other hope or ambition to enter the mind. The hope of seeing the vapu of Srila Prabhupada gave me a chance to hear his words and keep them close to me as my guide. Now, without such hope, it is difficult to focus on those words. On top of that, background noise from imitators, exhibitionists, neophytes and sycophants, makes me cynical and callous to the sweet kirtan of sri guru carana padma.
How will my ears regain their innocence to hear his melodious words again? How will i wash Prabhupada's lotus feet with my tears when my eyes have gone dry? How will my hope rise again now that the sun has gone out and darkness surrounds me?

Commentary on Crisis

A few friends kindly responded to my last entry, seeking to advise, clarify and comfort me. Thanks for your concern.
Here are a few of their comments and mine back to them:
Finding a personal service that pleases the Lord is the key.
We are jivas, and service is our religion.
But service must be focused properly. internally. On the plane of atma, the real self, in relation to paramatma, the Superself.
The guru can never be given up. He is the via medium directing our service to the Superself.
Material reality is nothing but external: serving senses and mind. It is a massive depressing movie including the special effects. Institutions are also external and therefore toxic.
The antidote is internal. Hard work. No glamour.
Prabhupada made it look easy and fun. We screwed up.
We are feeling the effects of a hostile environment.
But God's mercy knows no bounds and he is behind everything.
In other words, there is hope.
Transform an unfavorable situation to a favorable one.
Die to live.
Help a friend.

Crisis of Place

A long pause between entries. I can attribute it to the business of trying to help my relatives in need. But the more honest answer is that i have been having a crisis of purpose. Being relatively healthy, middle aged and without the need to go to work, i'm a victim of having a lot of time but no sense of place in the normal society. Not being a leader or a follower or a sycophant of any existing cult, i also have no place in the counter culture. This makes me a candidate for alienation and depression, both of which diseases i now have. In a larger sense, it is also a crisis of faith. While i don't doubt the absolute nature of the truth or its manifest mercy in the form of Srila Prabhupada, param para and Panca Tattva, i do not have the absolute faith needed to become a blind instrument. Thus i am caught in a profound dilemna, not knowing what to do or where to do it. An embarrassment for someone of my age. Hence, my silence these past few weeks. To my dear friends who read this blog, i can only apologize for such weakness of heart and words. If you have any advice for me, pray tell me.

Second Generation

Tonite i was invited to the vyasa puja of my godbrother, Paramadwaiti Swami, at his temple in Miami. I would normally never attend such an event, but as Paramadwaiti is a personal friend who has been very kind to me, and he's also an outcaste from Iskcon, i felt comfortable attending the celebration. He is in Chile for his birthday observance. A small group of his disciples are here in Miami. I arrived in time for Gaura arotik, worshipping a beautiful Mahaprabhu deity from Bengal, then there was more kirtan, guru puja, puspanjali and the usual verbal glorifications. I also spoke something about my friendship with him. Afterwards we sat around and took a nicely prepared feast of prasadam. Everyone was relaxed and it was comforting to be in the company of devotees. We are now the seniors when devotees gather. We are different because we're older. In my opinion, the first generation of western devotees can claim to have received the mercy of a most extraordinary pure devotee, a special messenger from Krishna. But in all other departments, we have failed miserably. I certainly don't see myself as a good example or role model. But there are a few leaders like Paramadwaiti who do inspire younger devotees. The 2nd generation have less baggage than we do. They are motivated by the hope that they can do something. Most of us have lost that hope, or it's been obfuscated by the mess we made of things. It would be nice to have some of that innocent enthusiasm back, with the benefit of practical experience from living in this world. It would be great if the 1st and 2nd generation could mix together freely and share what each has to offer the other. But again, that's easier said than done. That requires a kind of maturity and vision that does not seem to exist yet in the ranks of the assembled vaisnavas.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Saturday nite my G4 Mac Powerbook started making strange noises. It has always been a quiet machine and never gave me a single problem in the 3 1/2 years since i purchased it. But after making noises as if it were dying, it froze and would not reboot. I tried putting in the original OSX systems disc but it could not read it. I thought my hard drive was finished. Sunday morning i started desperately calling Apple stores. This being America, they were all open on Sunday. But they were all very busy. I could not make an appointment for the "Genius Bar" (a trouble shooting area they have in all their stores) for a few days....unless i became a member of "Pro Care." That meant $99, so i paid it over the phone, and after several more phone calls, got an appointment for the Genius Bar at an Apple store in Ft. Lauderdale, 25 miles from my apartment. Just get in the car, follow the directions, and 45 minutes later, i'm there, going up the escalator into the heart of America, the mall.

I was on time for my appointment at the Galleria Mall, and within 20 minutes, the tech at Apple's Genius Bar, got my laptop working. He diagnosed it, fixed it and rebooted it, all with a little machine that looked like a small external backup drive. So within 15 hours of its crashing, my computer was healthy again. That's efficiency. And it was free (except for the $99 that i think i'm going to get refunded.) My anxiety over, i was free to browse the Apple Store. Amazing machines and monitors these days. So much advanced from 20 years ago, when i first started using Macintosh computers for my advertising agency. Capitalism at its best.

But looking around the store at the people there, both customers and staff, it was a sorry sight. Americans are the most overweight people in the world i think. And one of the most unhappy, despite the show they put on. Many of these people are on prescription drugs, just to get by. And most of the others, are on non-prescription drugs or alcohol. They are working like asses to afford the toys they covet. The mall is where they go to enjoy life. Capitalism at its worst.

The ugly part is when nature strikes at persons who are unprepared for setbacks. That's when the payback comes, in the form of diseases, depression and death. A life devoid of reflection or without connection to the divine is a sad life, regardless of how pretty, how polished or how impressive the outward show is.

Sour Oranges & Sweet Thoughts

Florida so far is one huge, hot, humid, ugly shopping mall. It is a mystery of the asuras' infinite greed, how this place, a former sub-tropical hunting grounds for the Seminole Indians, has been transformed from a natural habitat into a commercial urban sprawl from the southern tip of Florida till only God knows where it ends.

I'm staying for now in a nice apartment in a "transitional" neighborhood in Miami. That means it used to be a lower middle class black residential district, and now it's seedy but gradually being gentrified into a trendy area. But i'm too old for trendy or seedy. I don't feel safe going out at night, and driving anywhere means a traffic jam. Soon i will be moving to someplace about 40 miles outside the city, a suburban middle class heaven (or hell, depending on your perspective).

I have not been keeping up with the Joneses (i mean the Gurus) on the Sampradaya Sun, so no political commentary today. I've just barely been keeping my head above water in this samsara world. There is, of course, no material impediment in this world or any world that is great enough to check the practice of devotion except for one. That one is our own stubborn habitual mind. Best of friends, worst of enemies, the dear mind. To all my friends whose minds are becoming their best friends, due to their continual struggle to direct their senses toward the message of the Lord, my most humble and respectful obeisances.