In Vrindavan, every day to me feels like ekadasi. That is, i feel the intensity of my anarthas more than usual when i'm in Vrindavan. This creates a sometimes extraordinary pressure within me. At times i can say that feeling is mentally excruciating, like living inside a pressure cooker. Then why do i keep returning to Vrindavan? Because that severe, stabbing sensual force is balanced and outweighed by the attraction and beauty of the land, the animals, the deities and the people of Vrindavan. Heavy mind balanced by light heart, and in Vrindavan, the heart always wins.
For me, experiencing Vrindavan means to watch the sideshow of my egoistic mind who wants like anything to enjoy, to be recognized, to be served. It means to observe this illusory parade and feel uncomfortable by it, while making small breakthroughs to a higher reality. With darshans, with lots of japa that is more natural and easier, with prayers to the pervasive divine personalities who can be found in the old and new temples, Vrindavan is a living course in becoming tolerant, offering respect and always remembering Hari Kirtan. It is the ultimate humbling experience.