Brighter Than Millions of Suns

Today i was feeling an extreme sense of loneliness. Being here in Cambridge, without knowing a single soul, it seems like a kind of torture sometimes. It's not worse than being in bad company, or being under someone's control, but being alone can make one feel mad at times. Living in the holy dhams, i never felt this kind of feeling, because Krishna's presence can be perceived even by an ordinary person. But being here in this material culture, especially in the West, is another story. There is a great poverty of soul here. A feast for the senses, fast for the soul. An almost maddening fever.

Looking out my window on the 3rd floor of the loft where i'm staying, i stared at the sun which was in the western sky. It was a beautiful clear, spring day, and this was just a half hour or so before sunset. Looking at the sun, a thought came to me: Krishna is brighter than millions of these intense shining balls of light and heat. These are his energy, his creation, his heat and his light. But unlike the sun, he is always with us. Always. In all circumstances, all conditions of life. That thought somehow gave me great comfort and strength. And the understanding, that this feeling of loneliness is just another illusion that we experience in our sojourn thru this world. Sometimes burdened with family, sometimes bound with affection for sons or daughters, husbands or wives, and sometimes, just feeling terribly alone. It's all part of our dream. Because in truth, we are accompanied always by that One who is more effulgent, brighter than millions of suns.

Nitya nityanam centanas cetenanam....the Eternal amongst all eternals,
the Conscious Source amongst conscious beings....
Eko bahunam.... eko means that One, Krishna....
yo vidadhati kaman.... who shines like the sun and is the One who supplies everyone with all our needs, all our desires.

Ravana & Sita

This morning for some reason i was thinking about Ravana. About how he kidnapped Sita, despite having everything he could possibly want. He was king of the most opulent country in the world at the time. He had technology beyond our current advanced science. He was able to create a passage thru the core of the earth (some say to Brazil) to collect the gold that covered Lanka's buildings. He also had the technology to create a staircase to the heavenly planets (long before Led Zeppelin wrote the song). His harem included the most beautiful women in the world, and his fighters were the best military persons. Many of them had mystic powers. Even his advisors were top-notch. In fact, he was a brahman who had vast knowledge of politics and diplomacy. Lord Rama told Laksman to ask Ravana for advice when Ravana was dying on the battlefield. Ravana said that if there is some auspicious work to do, do it immediately, and if there is something inauspicious, one should procrastinate. He cited how he did the opposite: by kidnapping Sita, he had put off his plans to build a passage to heaven. Instead of enjoying in those higher planets, he was now dying from a fatal wound inflicted by Rama.

Ravana's achilles heel, of course, was his lust. He could not shake off the illicit desire he felt in his heart to enjoy the goddess of fortune. Despite the good advice he received within his own circle, he relentlessly pursued her. Similarly, in spite of so many good instructions from various spiritual traditions and teachers, it is very difficult for us to control our senses and become real yogis in this world.

When we look at spiritual institutions like Iskcon we also see how another form of lust, known as pratishta, the desire for prestige, dominates its thinking. Rather than create a model of transparency and individual empowerment as Prabhupada wanted, the powers that be have created a sticky, ugly mess that excludes most of the direct disciples of Srila Prabhupada. Even when a disciple develops the maturity to want to take sannyas, the renounced order, he has to pledge allegiance not to his spiritual master and Krishna, but to the GBC! What a farce.

But returning to the main point, how is is possible to practice spiritual qualities in a world that is so polluted in its consciousness? One needs to listen to the words of saintly persons who have no motivation other than service to guru and God. Even if one is deaf, due to madness, intoxication or illusion, by repeatedly listening to the words and songs of holy persons, it will act on one's heart and gradually it will clear the heart of all muddy things. The lotus of good fortune will grow from that spot.

Love Is As Love Does

Today's headline comes by way of a comment made by Ananda Swarup prabhu in the comments section of my last post. It was in response to another comment about how love should be the standard devotees have for dealing with each other.

Love is the most used and most abused word in English today. "All you need is Love, Love is all you Need." It was true when the Beatles sang it on the first live world television broadcast 40 years ago. And it will always be true. But what is love? Obviously the Beatles didn't know. Neither did anyone else in our "Love Generation" or any other generation. Love is actually fiction in the material world, an illusory condition.

The first time we got a glimpse of what love really is, is when we had our first darshan of Srila Prabhupada. We couldn't see love or Prabhupada properly then, because of the spiritual cataracts in our eyes. But we could sense it. It was very intense, emotional, penetrating and controlled. We had never experienced anything like that before.

Love's first quality is that it is searching after itself. When Prabhupada looked at you (and practically everyone had a similar experience), he could look right thru you, right into your heart. You felt that he was looking at your being, someone you did not know yourself. It was embarassing. Prabhupada, who was overflowing with love for Krishna, was looking for that love in us.

Love is also connected to service. Prabhupada knew we were completely covered by our senses, so he focused our attention to service. He was very expert in encouraging us to engage, to "dovetail" our abilities in service to Krishna. We serve what we love. On the material plane, if someone is our master, we serve him for money, or sometimes, in dire situations, for fear of our life. Everyone loves their life. If someone is our lover, we serve him or her for the enjoyment they give us. If they are our children, we serve them because we identify with them; we see them as extentions of ourself.

Somehow, Prabhupada inspired us to serve Krishna, whom we didn't know at all. None of us were Vedic scholars; most of us had never heard the name "Krishna" before. And Prabhupada also convinced us to live together as a spiritual family. He named that family Iskcon. It was not a new church or religious cult he was founding. It was an association of devotees to cultivate love for Krishna. He created us as devotees. He did not create a hierarchy. He did not create an elite. He wanted us to cooperate as equals. He wanted us to focus on bhakti for the Lord. And to practice tolerance, humility and appreciation for each other.

As my godbrother said, love is as love does. If you see that love in Iskcon, that example of how Srila Prabhupada wanted the devotees to associate, then you don't have a problem. As i've been writing on this blog, i don't see that. I see ambition, greed, incompetence, lack of respect and intolerance. I also see a huge hierarchy in place of the fraternity that Prabhupada wanted. That's why i'm not associating with Iskcon now. But that does not mean i am free to just sit and criticize. I should accept the responsibility to search for love of Krishna, and for the qualities of Prabhupada that are missing in Iskcon, in my own heart. Once i get a glimpse of that in myself, i can easily share it with others. Until that time, at least i can practice kindness, openness and respect for other jivas. And i can share my experiences with others, as i am doing in this blog.

All of this is easier to say than to practice. But this is the great challenge and great blessing given to us by our master. He who showed us what love really is, and what love really does.

Why I Write

One devotee who read my last post questioned my motives for writing. That's a fair question.

I write because it's the only thing i am inspired to do right now. It may surprise some that criticism can be a form of preaching. Preaching or kirtan means to glorify the absolute truth. To tell the truth, you need to see the truth, not as it's packaged by so-called authorities, but with your own eyes. There are real authorities who can give us the truth. Those are pure devotees. The worldwide community of neophyte devotees is suffering due to a lack of pure devotees who can guide them. No material solution can replace this great scarcity of unmotivated and uninterrupted bhakti in our world today.

So when i write, i try to express my experiences and my humble realizations. Of course, you can ask me if i'm pure. And the answer is clearly NO. My heart is at least as polluted as the next one, if not more. So then what's the difference between me and the devotees i'm criticizing? Not much. Except, i'm admitting who i am. I'm saying i can't lead you, but neither can your so-called leaders lead you. The emperor has no clothes. In other words, you are being mislead. Open your eyes.

I'm not against my godbrothers. Those who stayed in Iskcon and those who started their own groups are all devotees. Some are better or purer than others. Some can actually help you to a degree. But beware of cheating, hypocrisy and deceit. These are the qualities that allow Kali to infiltrate and sabotage a spiritual movement. These are qualities that should be exposed. Don't be fooled by saffron or silk. The pen is mightier than the danda.

I don't have the answers or the solutions. The younger devotees want positive examples and solutions. I don't blame them. But before you get answers, you first need to ask the proper questions. First question is: why did 95% of Prabhupada's disciples leave Iskcon after Prabhupada left? Did they stop loving Prabhupada? Or did they stop feeling the mercy of Prabhupada in Iskcon? Before you cure a disease, you need to diagnose the patient. No diagnosis, no chance for a cure.

You can't be sentimental. Krishna told this to Arjuna. You need to face the truth and act from the truth. Not from sentiment or attachment or aversion. Look at the truth and hope and pray for some inspiration. And the truth is that Iskcon has deviated from Prabhupada, and while it may look and talk as if it represents Prabhupada, it no longer does. At least not the Prabhupada i knew. Today's Iskcon represents the desires of its less-than-pure leaders who wave the flag of Prabhupada to promote their own agenda. For many devotees, that's a hard pill to swallow.

I certainly don't get any money or prestige from writing these posts. Neither do i have a political agenda. I'm not a ritvik or a follower of a competitor group. What i want from writing is more clarity and inspiration to make progress on my spiritual path. That's probably what everyone reading this post also wants. But this inspiration must come from above, not from matter. Not from a committee, not from laws, not from a rubber stamped sadhu, or from loyalty to an autocracy. It must come from spirit, from Krishna, from the words and examples and blessings of paramahamsas. Do you get it?

Iskcon Antics or Krishna Lila?

Tonite i was browsing thru the Sampradaya Sun, as part of my news habit. I read a short piece on the dangers ahead for the well educated and well behaved devotees of the Chowpatty temple in Mumbai. I spent seven weeks as a guest in that temple in 2002. The devotees treated me very nicely. I had long hair at the time (even a moustache i think) and i had not been a big devotee from the past. But because i was Radhanath Swami's guest and godbrother, i was offered a decent place to sleep and a lot of respect. I was also expected to be pro-Radhanath and pro-Iskcon, and any deviation from the party line would have probably revoked my privileges immediately. But as a good guest, i behaved according to expectations. And i sincerely appreciated the good association i received. It softened my heart for Iskcon (a second time). But after going from there to Juhu, where i stayed when i recorded my album Jivatma Express in a studio in nearby Andheri, and then back to Vrindavan, and finally, spending almost one year in Mayapur in the householder section of Iskcon, it soured me on Iskcon a second time. This time was without the anger and disillusionment of the first experience. My eyes were wide open, and i was not surprised when i realized that at least in its present incarnation, Iskcon is a damned institution. Yes, damned! Cursed by inept leadership, non-transparency, narrow-mindedness, misconceptions, and a multitude of prejudices and offenses towards other vaisnavas and people in general. So, for all of my nice memories of Chowpatty-- and the really beautiful hearts of some of the brahmacaries i met there-- i could never go back, except for a brief visit.

Actually i cannot understand how the devotees got it so wrong. How could they not get the inner mood of Srila Prabhupada? Why would they be satisfied only to imitate the externals? But this is the material world. Everyone in this world is damned to be an imitator of the Lord, and the institutions that are created thru great sacrifice by world teachers to revive the original spirit in jiva souls, are also damned by their followers who imitate the externals of religion and service to God. I'm not judging individuals. Everyone has their own path back to Godhead, and it is not for me or anyone to judge another. But it is up to each of us to open our eyes and walk our own walk on that path.

Another article in today's Sun described the famous vaisnava poet and composer, Jayadeva. He is most famous as author of Das Avatar, the classic Sanskrit poem depicting the incarnations of Krishna. Jayadeva was also a favorite poet of Lord Caitanya's, who spent much time hearing Jayadeva's verses. Reading about Jayadeva's life and his offerings of poetry, music and choreography to Lord Jagannath is inspiring. Here was a great genius in literature and music, but without any self-infatuation. All of his art was an offering to the Lord. He was indifferent to the political antics of his time and fully absorbed in describing the spotless pastimes of the Lord. That's a great lesson, a difficult lesson for us, who are conditioned to the desire for acceptance and averse to rejection by our peers. But in the end, whom do we want to remember? The transcendental and infinitely beautiful Lord of all creation, or the three stooges?

Please, Please Krishna

Tonite i'm settling in to an apartment in Cambridge, Massachusetts. This place is a small studio loft, about one mile from Harvard University. I don't have any particular business here, nor do i know a soul in this part of the world. But in order to stay in the US for the time being, i chose this area.

I haven't lived in one place in the US since i left Honolulu in 2000. Since then i've lived with friends in Europe and i've rented about 9 or 10 apartments all over India. I even bought, renovated and sold a place in Sridham Mayapur, West Bengal. I've lived out of suitcases for the last 8 years. So settling down and actually emptying my suitcase feels a bit strange. It feels awkward to be out of the transit lounge for awhile.

Existentially, we all are in the transit lounge known as "the material body." Otherwise known in Sanskrit as "samsara." We are here to enjoy and suffer the effects from our most recent stopovers in this mad universe. And we are here to learn the necessity of no more stopovers. Non-stop to freedom, please. Non-stop to non-reactions, please. Non-stop to taste for Nam prabhu, please. Non-stop to inner peace, please. All this is possible if our please is loud enough and persistent enough. If our please becomes a sincere cry for help. It's all in the please.

Looking In Instead of Out

In my last post i wrote about moving on, meaning to give up old attachments. We get stuck in things to the point where we stop being aware of them. We can't even tell how we got stuck. When we are forced, by circumstance or time, to let go, it comes as a shock. Painful. But we should prepare for these shocks, because they are as natural and common as tremors in Tokyo.

The solution to moving on, of course, is to move within. To focus on the internal life, the reality of our real life as a jiva soul. That is what sages and yogis and bhaktas do. But try being a sage in our society. A society fixated on externals, packaging, glamour, appearance, outward achievement. Even when we join a spiritual society or movement whose goals are to achieve realization of the self and God, the conditioning of the followers does not encourage true introspection. Those personalities who invariably rise to the surface and become prominent are motivated by looking out, building alliances, taking credit, grasping for power. Thus, every church or temple has atheism built into its foundation due to the nature of conditioned souls, as the great Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati once observed.

How does this happen? It's the mind: best of friends, worst of enemies, according to the Supreme Mind, Sri Krishna, who told this to Arjuna in the Gita. The mind, which is an energy of the Lord, and is originally situated in the mode of goodness, becomes overcome by dualities. Dualities that are populated by impressions mostly in the modes of passion and ignorance. It is these dualities that prevent us from seeing the unity in diversity that is God and His creation. Krishna is in everything and everything is in Krishna. vasudevah sarvam iti sa mahatma sudurlabhah (Such a great soul who knows that Krishna is the source of everything is extremely rare. Bhagavad gita 7.19)

Duality prevents us from seeing how Krishna is the source of all. Duality prevents us from looking within to see the inner beauty of ourselves and others and from seeing the divine beauty of the Lord. Even the people closest to us become like mirrors of our own outward looking nature. So we struggle within ourselves and with those around us.

There is everything to be grateful for and everything to praise when one has conquered his mind. The great challenge and theme for the neophyte transcendentalist is to change the direction from looking out to looking in. It cannot be done by seminars or meetings, by resolutions or edicts. It can only be done by an individual who has become exhausted by the dualities of this world and wants to surrender. Such a sincere person is very rare.

He or she is one amongst millions who can go from riding the waves on the surface of the modes of nature (and consistently drowning in her sorrows), to diving deep into the waters of dedication and love. Such a person, by the grace of God, is able to see the pure goodness of their Beloved Lord, unity in the diversity, even in the midst of the most disturbing duality. Such a person is happy in this world of misery. His only grief is to see the suffering of others. sa mahatma sudurlabhah.

Moving Within

All glories to the eternal Golden Moon, Sri Gaurachandra! All glories to the Golden Beauty, Sr Gaurasundara!

Today i went again to the Iskcon temple on Commonwealth Avenue for the festival of Lord Caitanya's Appearance Day. For some reason, i had an expectation. Whenever i expect something, i'm disappointed. Without expectation, there is no disappointment, and sometimes there is a surprised delight. But with expectation, disappointment is almost certain.

My expectation today was that somehow i would experience something transcendental. I would be carried into a transcendental state on this holiest of days (which happens to coincide with Good Friday). As it turned out today, the devotees are all pious people, but are conditioned by the same laws i am. And since i've witnessed both my own conditioning and the conditioning of devotees for almost the last 40 years, it all seemed way too predictable. It was a script i had already read too many times.

It's not necessary to go into the details. All intentions were nice, but suffice it to say, that after one hour in the temple, i was unwilling to sit thru another 2-3 hours. While i'm very familiar with all the temple activities, and their connection to Krishna, for me it was too difficult not to judge and not to be disappointed by the lack of spontaneity and lack of spiritual emotion generated by these rituals. I could have been sitting in a church or a synagogue or a mosque just as i was in the temple. I would have been respectful and i would have been bored in a similar way. Perhaps this is simply my own failing, my own atheism, coming to the surface. That's quite possible.

But rather than fight it, or go to sleep by it, i decided to get up and walk out. No matter how nice, religion falls short for me. It was a transcendental movement-- not a religion-- that attracted my heart 40 years ago, and it still attracts me. But it's not there anymore. When Prabhupada was here, despite all the flaws within me and around me, it still felt like a movement. Now, short a miracle of meeting another pure devotee in this life, nothing outside moves me. No group, no school, no society, no politics and no entertainment. There is no movement, or illusion of movement, after 40 years of searching.

I don't see myself as a victim. I think of myself as a thief who has finally been caught. Now i need to give back the stolen goods and to atone. Only this will bring me peace and movement within, movement towards transcendence. I need to move on, to move within.

All glories to the eternal Golden Limbed Sri Gauranga Mahaprabhu. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

Boston Hare Krishna

Tonite I'm in Boston. It feels cold here, after being in Florida and D.C. I visited the Hare Krishna temple this evening for their famous Sunday feast program. The temple is located in a beautiful century-old brownstone on one of the nicest streets in Back Bay, an elegant neighborhood. The building was probably purchased around 30 years ago, when it was cheap. Now it's worth millions, and surprisingly, the idiot GBCs didn't sell it off years ago, like they sold big properties in other major cities like New York City, Amsterdam, Paris, etc. So Iskcon has a beautiful building in Boston.

The temple is well maintained by what seems to be a combination of middle aged Indians and a few younger westerners. I don't know the details, but it appears to be functioning, like all Hare Krishna temples in the West, by the mercy of donations from the Indian community. About 80% or more of the guests tonite are from that community. It is really their temple. Being Indian, and pious, they are gentle, welcoming and tolerant towards all.

I missed the class but the kirtan was pretty nice, although led by an off-key singer. It felt at times a bit like forced exuburance, but did not go on interminably. And the prasadam was mild, tasty and very politely served by Indian devotees wearing plastic sanitary gloves. It was a very nice feast. Afterwards, i walked around, went upstairs to wash my hands, visited a store inside the temple and a few of the other public rooms. Again, it was mostly Indians, mostly male and mostly professionals. It could have been an IT conference. But it was KC.

I was a stranger there and only one devotee approached me to offer any assistance and to ask if it was my first visit. Actually it was my first time in that building. I was at the former location of the temple in 1971, when Srila Prabhupada installed the current deities, Sri Sri Radha Gopinath. It was nice to have Their darshan after so many years. It feels like another life.

My wanderings over the last 37 years, from country to country, house to house, ashram to ashram, looking for "my place," is what a good friend in Amsterdam wrote to me, a "reflection of our wandering from body to body, never satisfied, always defeated yet with renewed, but doomed hope every time. As Krsna advises in the 13th chapter (Bhagavad gita), 'see the evils of birth and death.'" Many people would say that is pessimistic. But Krishna says no, it's realistic. Evil is not about what others to do us, but what we do to ourselves.

We are not born free in this material world. We are bound by nature's laws, by our karma and by our misconceptions. Those misconceptions are the cause of our continued suffering. We can't change the laws of nature nor can we change our karma. But we can purify our existence by becoming aware of our misconceptions. Taking corrective medicine in the form of chanting the holy names of God and associating with the words and when possible, the presence, of saints is the path to freedom. All other paths lead us into deeper bondage. It may sound harsh, but this is our choice.

Old Friends

I've been absent for awhile from blogland. I was on the road, flying from here to there. A couple days ago, i landed in Washington, D.C., to meet an old, dear friend. We first met 40 years ago, in New York City. We were young seekers, looking for God. We took drugs together searching for higher meaning, and joined Iskcon together a couple of years later, compelled to follow the pure devotee who was the great guru of our times. Now, half a lifetime later, we met again, deep into our middle age. My friend is doing well. He wears a Muslim prayer cap now, and his path is informed by the spiritual traditions of Iran and the language of the Koran. While the form he embraces is now Sufism, he is still the same seeker.

Friends are mirrors, just as are all close relationships. We want to see our friends reinforce our good qualities and are uncomfortable when they show us our faults and limitations. But it is not the sharing of judgements or belief systems that is really important, but the sharing of basic values, especially the values of self realization and devotion to one Supreme Being. It is that sharing which gives us inspiration and hope.


After the pride and intoxication of our youth has been humbled by the force of time, it's nice to see that those values we were so idealistic about in our youth remain as the core content of our lives. Form is a function of content, and the form of God consciousness has manifold expressions. Regardless of the form, the expression is always good when the content is God, Who is all-good and all-inclusive. It is He only who reconciles all diversity and all contradictions in the unity of His personality. We who are lost in the duality of forms in this world, can be relieved and liberated when we recognize and serve the purpose of that Supreme Personality.