A few friends kindly responded to my last entry, seeking to advise, clarify and comfort me. Thanks for your concern.
Here are a few of their comments and mine back to them:
Finding a personal service that pleases the Lord is the key.
We are jivas, and service is our religion.
But service must be focused properly. internally. On the plane of atma, the real self, in relation to paramatma, the Superself.
The guru can never be given up. He is the via medium directing our service to the Superself.
Material reality is nothing but external: serving senses and mind. It is a massive depressing movie including the special effects. Institutions are also external and therefore toxic.
The antidote is internal. Hard work. No glamour.
Prabhupada made it look easy and fun. We screwed up.
We are feeling the effects of a hostile environment.
But God's mercy knows no bounds and he is behind everything.
In other words, there is hope.
Transform an unfavorable situation to a favorable one.
Die to live.
Help a friend.