Thursday, November 8, 2007

Crisis of Place

A long pause between entries. I can attribute it to the business of trying to help my relatives in need. But the more honest answer is that i have been having a crisis of purpose. Being relatively healthy, middle aged and without the need to go to work, i'm a victim of having a lot of time but no sense of place in the normal society. Not being a leader or a follower or a sycophant of any existing cult, i also have no place in the counter culture. This makes me a candidate for alienation and depression, both of which diseases i now have. In a larger sense, it is also a crisis of faith. While i don't doubt the absolute nature of the truth or its manifest mercy in the form of Srila Prabhupada, param para and Panca Tattva, i do not have the absolute faith needed to become a blind instrument. Thus i am caught in a profound dilemna, not knowing what to do or where to do it. An embarrassment for someone of my age. Hence, my silence these past few weeks. To my dear friends who read this blog, i can only apologize for such weakness of heart and words. If you have any advice for me, pray tell me.


Billy said...

A sense of Divine Communion, one might suppose, should be enough to resolve such issues. But not only has this often not been the case Historically for many Great Saints, but in fact losing a sense of oneness with Diety has quite often been a central part of their path. One current example perhaps, of a person of great Faith having such an experience is the late Mother Theresa of Calcutta. After her ecstatic Vision of and talk with Jesus where she was Commisioned to serve the poor of India, her writings now have attested that, except for a week, she went the next 45 years without feeling any presense of God or Divinity in her life whatsoever! A severe test of faith, or a stubborn woman's folly? Without the Vision, Divine Communion and Commissioning, perhaps. But in the big scheme of things, 45 years is a pretty short period of time.

Certainly lacking a commission for some reason, and having to find a purpose reflecting one's individualized spark of Divinity can be trying. But at least one can go where one feels a Divine Wind blowing in one's life. This can be seen I think as Krishna's great mercy. For had one been given directly some vocational task perhaps one would have - like Mother Theresa - very little room to move, and quite a narrow path of faith to walk.
Your mileage may vary, of course... With the passing of a Saint like ACBSP one can celibrate the Disappearance with ceremony, grieve one's loss perhaps and move on. This is the natural course of things. But it is hard to do the same thing for an ideal, for an organization - such as ISKCON. Perhaps a ceremony is needed to mark the passing of the organization, "ISKCON as it was", symbolically set in a boat on the Ganges. going down in flames... (current members, please no offense intended here.) But I am suggesting that it can be hard to move on I think, without some kind of path to properly grieve any kind of loss in life. Especially of that which one loved.

Personally, I have felt closest to God when I have been the farthest away and taken a small step. Mercy. But perhaps the the love grown ups receive is a little more demanding than the love given to the young.

All the best Jau.

Padmapani das said...

Hare Krishna, Nava Jauvana Prabhu. Dandavats. Jaya Srila Prabhupada!

We're all in the same boat more or less, so please don't blame yourself. It's a symptom of the age we're in after the departure of Krishna's beloved pure devotee. But you're invited to share some of your nectarine pastimes and memories of His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada. I can't think of a better medicine for our aching hearts.

You're most welcome indeed!
Best wishes, always.

Your servant and little brother,
Padmapani das