The Original "Why?"

This morning, reading the 7th Chapter of Bhagavad gita, which usually gives me some transcendental pleasure, a question that had previously come up for me reappeared. Why did we, the marginal energy of the Lord, make the wrong choice to come to this material world? Why, if we are superior energy, did we not choose to remain under the protection of the internal energy, rather than be covered by the inferior energy? Now the obvious answer i know: as part & parcel of Parambrahman, we have a spark of free will. Free will is intrinsic to our nature as jivas. So we were given a choice, and we chose to enter the material world to compete with Krishna, to act as false enjoyers and lords. But that begs the question: how could we have made that choice when anyone in knowledge would never have made it, knowing that the consequences would be endless suffering here in this material world?

It does not seem possible to me that we, as jivas, were in knowledge when we made this basic choice. That would imply that we were covered by ignorance from our very beginning. The Sanskrit term, nitya bandha, implies the same: eternally conditioned. So then the question comes back to Krishna. Why, as the all merciful (karuna sindu) friend of the fallen (dina bandhu) would the Supreme Lord cover his own children, his parts and parcels, by ignorance, from what appears to be their very beginning, knowing they would then make the wrong choice?

So, this is my question. If i were deeply sincere, like Adwaita Acarya when he could not understand one verse in the Gita, i would fast until Krishna kindly revealed some answer or gave me an insight to clear up this doubt. Since i am an insincere rascal, such austerity and determination are not possible for me.

I know that this question is related to the controversy over where the jiva actually comes from. I don't buy the official "BBT" version that the jiva was with Krishna in the spiritual world in his original swarup and then fell down. No one falls down from Goloka. I also know that Srila Prabhupada spoke and wrote various different perspectives on this subject, but he stressed that it is not important to know how we got here, but absolutely necessary to know how to get out. Still, our philosophy should be able to clearly explain the ontology of the jiva. How and why did we make this terrible choice to enter samsara?

Ironically, it may only be after we are well on our way out that we'll understand the answer.

Running Out of Time

I just read an article in the Wall Street Journal (as mainstream as media gets) about peak oil. The gist of the piece is that the world is not really running out of oil, but it's running out of capacity to produce more of it. As it gets more expensive to extract oil, the world keeps consuming more and more of it. So sometime soon, according to the CEOs of giant oil companies, a production plateau will be reached while consumption keeps rising. In other words, a major energy crisis is around the corner. Gone will be the days when we can fly to India whenever we want. Being in one place will become more of a necessity than a choice. Even basic things like heating and food supply may radically change.

The world is also running out of balanced weather. While it's been good to Al Gore (he won half the Nobel Peace Prize this year for his film about it), global warming will not be good for mother earth. Severe weather, floods and droughts are expected to increase. And it's not just a result of carbon emissions from machinery and transportation that accounts for it. The methane produced by the billions of domestic animals raised to slaughter each year, i've been told, produces more carbon gases than automobile exhausts do. (All those cows, pigs and chickens eat a lot and pee, shit and fart a lot before they are killed.) So the culture of animal slaughter that has now become globalized, has helped create the climate crisis. That connection between global warming and animal concentration camps is something Al Gore should think about.

The dollar is so weak now, one British pound costs more than $2.20 in dollars. It's around $1.50 for a Euro. The President of Iran wants to stop pegging oil to the dollar, which he called "a useless piece of paper." For the first time that i remember, the Canadian dollar is worth more than a buck. In India, the dollar is below 40 rupees, an exchange rate that is the lowest since the rupee was deregulated. If your money is in dollars, as mine is, you're running out of money.

But the most important problem facing the world today is the same one that has faced the planet since time immemorial. We're running out of time. "Time I am, destroyer of all worlds," says Bhagavan Sri Krishna in the Gita. This simple paradigm means that even if we can fix our self-created global energy, climate, money problems, we cannot fix the God-created time problem. This daivi prakriti, divine energy, is impossible to overcome, Krishna tells us, unless we do something more radical than fixing another material problem with external adjustments. We need to accept that He is the real essence behind everything, including our lives and our consciousness. Moving towards Him, we need to stop trying to run away from time. No one can get away from time and no one can keep time. The nine processes of bhakti, focused on hearing and chanting, are the only ways to let go of time, oil, money and hold on to sanity. It may be difficult, but it's the only sane solution.

The Day the Sun Went Out

Thirty years ago today was the day the world lost its sun. Sure, according to the scriptures, there are always pure devotees on the earth. And sure, there are hundreds of thousands more devotees in the world now than there were 30 years ago. But for me, that was the day when intelligence, common sense, joy, gracefulness, effulgence and humility left the world. That was the day when many imitation suns rose in the sky of Iskcon. And the day that darkness prevailed.
guru mukha padma-vakya, cittete koriya aikya, ar na koriho asa.
The words of the guru need to be focused in the heart, allowing no other hope or ambition to enter the mind. The hope of seeing the vapu of Srila Prabhupada gave me a chance to hear his words and keep them close to me as my guide. Now, without such hope, it is difficult to focus on those words. On top of that, background noise from imitators, exhibitionists, neophytes and sycophants, makes me cynical and callous to the sweet kirtan of sri guru carana padma.
How will my ears regain their innocence to hear his melodious words again? How will i wash Prabhupada's lotus feet with my tears when my eyes have gone dry? How will my hope rise again now that the sun has gone out and darkness surrounds me?

Commentary on Crisis

A few friends kindly responded to my last entry, seeking to advise, clarify and comfort me. Thanks for your concern.
Here are a few of their comments and mine back to them:
Finding a personal service that pleases the Lord is the key.
We are jivas, and service is our religion.
But service must be focused properly. internally. On the plane of atma, the real self, in relation to paramatma, the Superself.
The guru can never be given up. He is the via medium directing our service to the Superself.
Material reality is nothing but external: serving senses and mind. It is a massive depressing movie including the special effects. Institutions are also external and therefore toxic.
The antidote is internal. Hard work. No glamour.
Prabhupada made it look easy and fun. We screwed up.
We are feeling the effects of a hostile environment.
But God's mercy knows no bounds and he is behind everything.
In other words, there is hope.
Transform an unfavorable situation to a favorable one.
Die to live.
Help a friend.

Crisis of Place

A long pause between entries. I can attribute it to the business of trying to help my relatives in need. But the more honest answer is that i have been having a crisis of purpose. Being relatively healthy, middle aged and without the need to go to work, i'm a victim of having a lot of time but no sense of place in the normal society. Not being a leader or a follower or a sycophant of any existing cult, i also have no place in the counter culture. This makes me a candidate for alienation and depression, both of which diseases i now have. In a larger sense, it is also a crisis of faith. While i don't doubt the absolute nature of the truth or its manifest mercy in the form of Srila Prabhupada, param para and Panca Tattva, i do not have the absolute faith needed to become a blind instrument. Thus i am caught in a profound dilemna, not knowing what to do or where to do it. An embarrassment for someone of my age. Hence, my silence these past few weeks. To my dear friends who read this blog, i can only apologize for such weakness of heart and words. If you have any advice for me, pray tell me.

Second Generation

Tonite i was invited to the vyasa puja of my godbrother, Paramadwaiti Swami, at his temple in Miami. I would normally never attend such an event, but as Paramadwaiti is a personal friend who has been very kind to me, and he's also an outcaste from Iskcon, i felt comfortable attending the celebration. He is in Chile for his birthday observance. A small group of his disciples are here in Miami. I arrived in time for Gaura arotik, worshipping a beautiful Mahaprabhu deity from Bengal, then there was more kirtan, guru puja, puspanjali and the usual verbal glorifications. I also spoke something about my friendship with him. Afterwards we sat around and took a nicely prepared feast of prasadam. Everyone was relaxed and it was comforting to be in the company of devotees. We are now the seniors when devotees gather. We are different because we're older. In my opinion, the first generation of western devotees can claim to have received the mercy of a most extraordinary pure devotee, a special messenger from Krishna. But in all other departments, we have failed miserably. I certainly don't see myself as a good example or role model. But there are a few leaders like Paramadwaiti who do inspire younger devotees. The 2nd generation have less baggage than we do. They are motivated by the hope that they can do something. Most of us have lost that hope, or it's been obfuscated by the mess we made of things. It would be nice to have some of that innocent enthusiasm back, with the benefit of practical experience from living in this world. It would be great if the 1st and 2nd generation could mix together freely and share what each has to offer the other. But again, that's easier said than done. That requires a kind of maturity and vision that does not seem to exist yet in the ranks of the assembled vaisnavas.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Saturday nite my G4 Mac Powerbook started making strange noises. It has always been a quiet machine and never gave me a single problem in the 3 1/2 years since i purchased it. But after making noises as if it were dying, it froze and would not reboot. I tried putting in the original OSX systems disc but it could not read it. I thought my hard drive was finished. Sunday morning i started desperately calling Apple stores. This being America, they were all open on Sunday. But they were all very busy. I could not make an appointment for the "Genius Bar" (a trouble shooting area they have in all their stores) for a few days....unless i became a member of "Pro Care." That meant $99, so i paid it over the phone, and after several more phone calls, got an appointment for the Genius Bar at an Apple store in Ft. Lauderdale, 25 miles from my apartment. Just get in the car, follow the directions, and 45 minutes later, i'm there, going up the escalator into the heart of America, the mall.

I was on time for my appointment at the Galleria Mall, and within 20 minutes, the tech at Apple's Genius Bar, got my laptop working. He diagnosed it, fixed it and rebooted it, all with a little machine that looked like a small external backup drive. So within 15 hours of its crashing, my computer was healthy again. That's efficiency. And it was free (except for the $99 that i think i'm going to get refunded.) My anxiety over, i was free to browse the Apple Store. Amazing machines and monitors these days. So much advanced from 20 years ago, when i first started using Macintosh computers for my advertising agency. Capitalism at its best.

But looking around the store at the people there, both customers and staff, it was a sorry sight. Americans are the most overweight people in the world i think. And one of the most unhappy, despite the show they put on. Many of these people are on prescription drugs, just to get by. And most of the others, are on non-prescription drugs or alcohol. They are working like asses to afford the toys they covet. The mall is where they go to enjoy life. Capitalism at its worst.

The ugly part is when nature strikes at persons who are unprepared for setbacks. That's when the payback comes, in the form of diseases, depression and death. A life devoid of reflection or without connection to the divine is a sad life, regardless of how pretty, how polished or how impressive the outward show is.

Sour Oranges & Sweet Thoughts

Florida so far is one huge, hot, humid, ugly shopping mall. It is a mystery of the asuras' infinite greed, how this place, a former sub-tropical hunting grounds for the Seminole Indians, has been transformed from a natural habitat into a commercial urban sprawl from the southern tip of Florida till only God knows where it ends.

I'm staying for now in a nice apartment in a "transitional" neighborhood in Miami. That means it used to be a lower middle class black residential district, and now it's seedy but gradually being gentrified into a trendy area. But i'm too old for trendy or seedy. I don't feel safe going out at night, and driving anywhere means a traffic jam. Soon i will be moving to someplace about 40 miles outside the city, a suburban middle class heaven (or hell, depending on your perspective).

I have not been keeping up with the Joneses (i mean the Gurus) on the Sampradaya Sun, so no political commentary today. I've just barely been keeping my head above water in this samsara world. There is, of course, no material impediment in this world or any world that is great enough to check the practice of devotion except for one. That one is our own stubborn habitual mind. Best of friends, worst of enemies, the dear mind. To all my friends whose minds are becoming their best friends, due to their continual struggle to direct their senses toward the message of the Lord, my most humble and respectful obeisances.

p.s.

Organizing my things to pack up, i found this quote from Thomas Paine, writing to his compatriots in 1776. He was writing in regards to duty to country, but his words can easily be applied to those of you who are fighting for liberation and bhakti:

"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he who stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered. Yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives everything its value."

from The American Crisis, by Thomas Paine

Signing Off from the Big Apple

One thought i had today: the most difficult thing to do is to do nothing. We are active by our very essence. A parrot flies, a fish swims, a cow chews. And a man plans, thinks, collects and spends. So doing nothing is against our nature. This is one reason why old age is so difficult. The senses slacken. The body deteriorates. And energy becomes very low. So there is no scope for action. Only thoughts continue unabated. And if the mind has not been trained to take pleasure in transcendence, it gravitates to the memories of an imperfect past, or anticipates the dark fear of an unknown future. This is the curse of old age without cultivation of real knowledge.

My time in New York is almost over. I have been here for 10 weeks. I came on a mission, and that mission has more or less been completed. I have no more reason to remain in New York, although i have become a bit attached. New York City is engaging due to its exceptional ethnic mix. I haven't seen a more diverse group of people anywhere in the world. Of course tourists come from everywhere, but amongst the resident population, there's an amazing diversity of races, religions, cultural backgrounds and ages. Just walking down the street is a variety show of God's human creation. I wouldn't call it "civilization," but it's a fascinating human zoo.

I live alone here; however in the past few days, one fly has become my roommate. He seems to like me, and i like him enough not to try to kill him. We don't communicate much but we tolerate one another.

I'm now preparing for my next stop, Miami. I'll be busy packing for a few days. So my next entry will probably be sometime next week from the Orange State. Wandering from Apples to Oranges on the jivatma express.